Thursday, December 24, 2009

Season's Greetings to Law School Deans

Note: I had planned to write an open Christmas letter to all the law school deans. Upon reflection, the letter was too bitter - even by my standards, so I've opted for an alternative piece to celebrate the holiday season.

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Law Dean Version)
by Esq. Never

Twas the night before Christmas for one shifty law dean
As he looked in the mirror and wondered "Am I really that mean?"

"No, I'm simply a businessman", he brashly declared
"Can I be blamed if so many students enrolled unprepared?"

"Why am I somebody these bitter grads do so deplore?
Have they never heard of 'caveat emptor' ?"

Suddenly he realized he wasn't alone as he turned around quick
And to his surprise, he saw a not-very-jolly old St. Nick

"Dean", a glaring Santa blunty stated
"It's perfectly fair for you to be so ardently hated"

"But why?" queried the Dean to the overweight elf
"Does it have anything to do with my promises of wealth?"

"Those salary stats are a lie not in part but in whole
For this you deserve a suitcase worth of coal"

"But", the Dean protested, "on average our graduates make 80 grand!"
Replied Santa, "... if those figures are calculated in South African Rand!"

Mr. Claus took out his laptop to navigate to Craigslist
He wanted to show the Dean some job postings he may have missed

"Look at this" Santa said, "Grads can work per diem for 50 bucks a day"
"They'd be better off on a farm pitching bales of hay!"

Said the Dean, "Come on, there's plenty of great work in temporary document review!"
Santa replied, "They'd have more dignity cleaning the monkey cage at the zoo!"

"At least they'd make good money," the Dean stood resolute.
Santa scoffed, "22 bucks an hour to work for some brute?"

Santa began to deliver a powerful speech
Hoping somehow the Dean's grinch heart he could reach

"Dean, who enters law school to code documents in a dungeon beneath the city
Or to chase ambulances for a chop shop that is as corrupt as it is gritty?"

"Does anyone come to a TTT law school purely for intellectual edification?
Certainly not at the price of a life time of negative amortization."

The dean indignantly asked, "Why do I care what you think?
There's an endless stream of student loans from which I can drink."

Replied Santa, "Careful dean, I'm more powerful than you know
I can do far more than just say, 'Ho, ho, ho' "

"Are you threatening me, Santa? Will you cause me to die?"
"No, Dean, I'm going to make it so you can no longer lie."

The dean was distraught about what he now had to do
He was forced to reveal that the employment stats were horse poo

The salary figures were adjusted to the 40k range
He had to admit the number of unemployed students now dancing for change

And to this very day nobody really knows
The true story as to why that one TTT finally had to close

Merry Christmas to everyone - even all of the law school apologist grinches out there. I'll be back after the Christmas weekend with plenty of new material.

-Esq. Never


  1. Nice.

    Closing the doors gave the dean a good shake
    Now, if only 150 more law schools would follow in its wake.

  2. Funny and well written. May law school deans burn in hell.

  3. Good job, Esq. Never. I like the prose. Imagine if TTTs were to list honest employment and salary info - how many would go six figures in debt for a job that will liekly pay $40K?

  4. I loveeeeeeeed this. This is what I needed to begin my holiday on. Too bad I'm doing doc review and I'm paid hourly so I will have no holiday.

  5. You may be Esq. Never but you are Producer and Poet Always!


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